observations of the absurd

Dear People Who Find Me Humorless:

anothergradstudentcliche — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 06:55:40 +0000

You’re wrong. I’m not humorless. Just because I call you out for your inappropriate behavior or comments does not mean I lack a sense of humor. I’m not going to laugh at your rape joke. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear you use “faggot” or “gay” as an insult. I’m not going to just let it slide when you equate female genitalia with weakness. I’m not going to keep quiet when you try and spread blatantly false information presenting it as “facts.” None of this will happen, because I’ve been blursed* with a strong sense of right and wrong and a big mouth. And a pugnacious/contrarian streak. When you say something racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, classist, or factually incorrect I’m going to call you out on it. This doesn’t make me the PC-police, it doesn’t make me a femme-nazi, it doesn’t make me humorless or unreasonable, it makes me someone who stands up for what she believes in. I wouldn’t have to call you an ass if you’d just stop acting like one.

I’m not even asking for that much. Sure, it would be great if you stopped and actually considered the sort of systemic prejudice that allows you to so freely disparage certain groups with impunity, or if you considered why you hold such views to begin with, but all I’m asking is that you stop expressing them in public. I’m not so foolish to think that we’re in a post-racial society, but I do think it’s progress that few people think they can utter the N-word in public and not expect a serious backlash. (Though I don’t necessarily think it’s progress of any kind that I’m afraid to type out the whole word, but that’s a discussion for a different time all together.) Ideally, don’t be a bigot, but I will settle for a change in mores that prevents you from running around polite society spewing hate, because while it may not change a thing about you, at least you won’t be hurting others around you. And no, it doesn’t matter if you “didn’t mean it like that,” or if you think it’s “just an expression.” It’s hateful and harmful, even if you never critically engaged your own language deeply enough to realize that. Indeed, it is that insidious, subtle bigotry that may be the hardest to eradicate.

I’m sure there are things that you would be offended if I mocked. We all have things we hold dear, and your love of the military or religion or Reagan is no more valid than my love of basic human decency, tolerance, and respect. I’m also a fan of a healthy debate, so if you disagree with me, by all means call me out. I’m a big girl, I can handle it, and I may even learn something from you. I don’t think we’re doing anyone any favors by refusing to engage one another and surrounding ourselves in cozy echo-chambers, which seems to becoming the norm in our ever increasingly polarized society. Voice your disagreement**, don’t take things at face value, challenge people. Don’t write people off because they “need to lighten up.” That’s just weak. If your ideas are sound they should be able to withstand close scrutiny, so what are you so afraid of?

Yours in Somewhat Righteous Indignation,

AGSC

*Blursed is a portmanteau of blessed and cursed. Ok fine, it’s not a real word and I made it up. But I like it, and I don’t know of a real word that expresses exactly that. If both the Bard of Avon and the Bard of Wasilla can make up words I’m going to take a crack at it too, as I’m confident that my literary prowess falls somewhere on the spectrum between those two.

**Given the season I should caution that maybe holiday dinners with your whacky uncle are not the best venue to begin doing this. Knowledge of this fact has never stopped me, but maybe you don’t want your holidays to be a cringefest for everyone else, and you probably understand the meaning of “pick your battles.” (I pick ALL OF THEM, I’m told I don’t get it.)

Dear hipsters:

anothergradstudentcliche — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 03:47:23 +0000

Why?

Yours in utter, unironic despair,

AGSC

Dear Stop & Shop,

anothergradstudentcliche — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 03:59:49 +0000

Thanks for the killer deal. It was truly tremendous. Thanks for looking out.

Love,

AGSC

Dear Non-Dairy Creamer:

anothergradstudentcliche — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 00:06:39 +0000

You seem to be suffering from some sort of identity crisis. You should probably get some help with that. I’m sorry if my unabashed preference for very-dairy half-and-half over you in some way contributed to your current confusion. You should probably get some help figuring out what’s going on with you.

Good luck and godspeed,

AGSC

Dear Organized Religions of the World:

anothergradstudentcliche — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 04:58:54 +0000

More specifically, I direct this to those of you who place any dietary restrictions on your followers, (the rest of you can go about your business, I’m sure I’ll get to talking to you at another point, but you’re off the hook as of right now.) Ok, so while I find the whole ” you can’t eat this!” thing kind of silly, on an intellectual level I understand that it’s not so much about what foods you can and cannot eat, but about how these restrictions force you to interrupt daily life to remind yourself that you are a follower of X religion and that you have Y values. While I suppose that has some value, I propose a challenge to you. If you’re going to insist on such banal earthly matters like telling your faithful what to/not to eat could we at least make them useful?

This idea came to mind when my youngest sister when offered bottled water waved it away, pointed to her reusable water bottle and said (sort of jokingly) “No, that’s against my religion.” This got me thinking, what if that actually were the tenant of some religion, not just something uttered by my granola-hippie sister (who, incidentally, is actually far more into real organized religion than I am. Ok while we’re talking about incidentals I should point out that I agree with her on many environmental things, including this one and I do avoid bottled water as well, but she plays ultimate frisbee for goodness sake, what am I supposed to do, not call her a granola hippie?). So then I started thinking, what if religions required that people drink tap water, that their food be locally grown/sourced, that they eat organic food, sustainable food, mostly meatless, unprocessed foods… etc etc. Or, to go in a different direction, what if religions came out and said you had to eat healthy? Whole grains! Fruits and veggies, antioxidants, omega-3… etc

Does it really help anyone if I can’t eat a bacon cheeseburger on a Friday because my religion says I can’t? Probably not. Sure, as I salivate over that burger and realize I can’t have it I’ll be thinking about my religion and values and identity and practicing restraint and self-denial and all that stuff, but couldn’t you get all those benefits and help the greater good if the food restrictions were more in line with what I’m suggesting? Oh yes, you totally could. Your move, major world religions, your move.

Irreverently yours,

AGSC

Dear Brides-to-be:

anothergradstudentcliche — Wed, 11 May 2011 21:19:22 +0000

(And their families/friends). Here’s the thing. I hate wedding showers. I will not have one and I will not go to yours. To all my fellow 20-somethings, I encourage you to join me in my revolution against wedding showers. I’ll lay out my reasons below.

There are many, many things I hate about the Wedding Industrial Complex, (engagement rings, ridiculously ornate invitations, parties that cost more than the GDP of third world countries, horrid bridesmaid dresses… I could go on, maybe I will in another post) but wedding showers take the cake. (Bad wedding pun totally not intended, but I’ll go with it.) It’s been pointed out to me that I may offend people and potentially lose friends over this hardline stance, but I’m not that worried about it. If you’re really my friend you’ll understand, and if you’re willing to lose my friendship because I won’t get you a damn blender, then I’m not really losing much of a friend, am I? And so, I give you…

Reasons Why I will not Go To Wedding Showers

They’re pretty sexist. I know that’s not true in some more progressive circles, but for the most part it’s still a burden put on women, even if you’re a friend or family member of the groom.
They’re rather anachronistic. Ok, sure, once upon a time, a young couple would go right from living in each one’s respective parent’s house until the day of the wedding and move to their marital home after the wedding, so their community would help them buy the things that they needed. Nowadays, however, people generally have either lived on their own for a bit before getting married or have been living in their parents house rent-free for a significant chunk of time before getting married, so they either have stuff or can afford to buy stuff.
They totally suck for people who don’t get married! In theory if you go to showers and then you have one it should pretty much be a wash. You have to buy ridiculous presents and then make your friends buy you ridiculous presents. But what of the people who don’t get married? Why should they have to foot the bill for your new linens when there’s no reciprocity?
Wedding shower encourage wasteful consumerism.
People suddenly get really uppity when they have a wedding shower. Is there something about getting engaged that makes people feel that they are too good to continue to eat off the IKEA dishware they’ve amassed for the last however many years and now only Lenox is good enough? And do you anticipate that the condition of being married will take such a toll on your body that only 1500 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets will do? You and your fiancé hate cooking, why do you suddenly need a KitchenAid and more gadgets than Martha Stewart? Furthermore, I’ve been to your apartment, it’s cute, but it’s small, where are you going to PUT all this stuff?
I refuse to participate in this charade of “It’s a Surprise!” Really? You went into a store(s) and used a scanner-gun-thingie to pick out all the gifts you want, you gave someone a list of people to invite and maybe even gave an opinion on where you’d like to eat and now I’m supposed to believe that you’re surprised? Please. Gag.
No one enjoys wedding showers. Really. At least, no one I know does.
They encourage/are fueled by a lot of Keeping Up With the Jones.
They’re a terribly inefficient means of buying things. No, hear me out. The way most showers work is you go to a store, pick out some things, then your friends/family go online, see what you wanted, go to the store and buy things off that list, from that store. So, it doesn’t matter that the same exact item is on sale at some other store, since your guests are locked into whatever store you’ve chosen. So that $100 that they’ve committed to spending on your shower gift only gets you 1 place setting, whereas it could have gotten you a place setting and a towel set if it had been purchased elsewhere. Everyone loses other than the store you registered at.
It’s another annoying event to plan in what is already usually a fairly stressful series of events. Should weddings really be so stressful?
It’s an unfair financial burden on the people you’re supposed to care about. Honestly, how is it fair to ask me to buy you some ridiculously marked-up stuff that I would never buy for myself? I live within my means, I suggest you do the same.
It’s a weird sort of indentured servitude. You attend them because, well whatever, it’s socially accepted and you plan on having one so you can get all the shiny new things you can’t afford yourself, and then you have one and are happy for a hot minute until you start getting more invites then you ever could possibly anticipate. Suddenly you’re getting invited to showers for people who you didn’t even consider close friends (or to people whose names you don’t recognize… true story, this happens to my mom multiple times a year) and the madness spirals out of control. Stop the madness! Opt out!

So those are my reasons, I invite you to join my revolutionary resistance to wedding showers. If you’re feeling saucy you can include the following in your “No Thanks” RSVP:

A link to Craigslist’s Free Stuff in their area
A list of garage/yard sales in their area
An article on the joys of minimalist living/perils of consumerism
This Cathy Cartoon:

I’m hoping that someday soon people will get the hint and stop sending invites my way, but so far, no luck on that front. I think in the future when I get these invites I’ll go ahead any buy myself whatever gadget I’m currently coveting and that fits within my budget at whatever store currently has it at the lowest price. Yes, this sounds like a much better plan than spending a Saturday afternoon eating tea sandwiches with people I barely know and watching a bride-t0-be feign surprise as she opens up presents we’ve all already seen in the registry when I’d really rather be watching TV, reading a book, or trying out some crazy new recipe. Life’s too short.

Stay strong fellow revolutionaries,

AGSC

Dear inconsiderate drivers,

anothergradstudentcliche — Sat, 07 May 2011 00:43:47 +0000

What the hell is your problem? Homicidal? Suicidal? A little bit of both? I really don’t understand how you gain from not using your turn signal. What is the net benefit to you of astronomically increasing the chances that I rear end you when you dart into my lane completely unannounced at the same moment that I realize how late I’m running and decide to speed up? Please explain to me how it makes your life better to honk when we’re in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

People do not seem to get that driving a car is an inherently dangerous activity. It’s a crazy, crazy dangerous game of russian roulette that we play every day, seemingly without a care in the world. The very suburban housewives* who freak out at the mere thought of walking through a slightly rough urban neighborhood (Yes, there may even be people there who don’t look like you, and worse yet… poor people *gasp*) under the pretense that it is “so dangerous” seem to have no such qualms when careening down the highway from lacrosse to gymnastics in their gas-guzzling, behemoth SUVs while juggling their smartphone, skim-extra-dry-two-splendas-venti-cappuccino, fixing their mascara, driving AND adjusting the rear-seat entertainment to suit the whims of the little tyrants shrieking orders from the back seat. I don’t care if there are seat warmers and the damn thing parks itself. Driving is not safe.

But, it needn’t be so damn freaking dangerous either, so maybe we could all stop being dicks when we get behind the wheel and less people would die. I’m talking to you, douchebag who suddenly sped up when I hit the indicator in order to try to get into the left lane to make a U-turn. And also to you, jackwagon who made a left turn at the intersection, nearly causing me to T-bone you since I was going straight and had the right of way and had no way of anticipating that you would try and sneak in that moving violation the second the light turned green. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Mr. Block-two-lanes-of-traffic-at-a-90-degree-angle-because-I-can’t-be-made-to-wait. Yes, it is really annoying to have to wait for there to be no traffic in order to make that turn, but know what is more annoying? When I have to drive around your truck, forcing me to go into the lane of oncoming traffic. And you, Ms. Coming-back-from-the-clubs-drifting-in-and-out-of-your-lane. I bet before you left you spent at least an hour getting your poof just so, applying the 17 different kinds of make-up, tweezing, shaving, primping and preening all before squeezing into that LBD and 4inch heels and ordering all your drinks with diet soda because you are one image-conscious lady. That’s a hell of a lot of effort going into your look just to leave your intoxicated brain matter splattered all over the parkway.

As much as I bitch about humanity I do think most people are decent (or at least act that way in public). So what is it about being in a car that turns people into monsters? Is it the anonymity effect, the same one that allows trolls to flourish on message boards? I also don’t get the impression that most people want to die sudden, violent, horrible deaths. So why is it that while you’re shuttling between your doctor’s, the gym, the organic supermarket and the pharmacy to buy fountain-of-youth pills you do everything you can to endanger your life and those of everyone who has the misfortune of being on the road at the same time as you? How can being so internally inconsistent not make your head explode? Please stop. If you really must feel the rush of continually putting your life in danger do the decent thing and go skydiving or something. Thanks.

-AGSC

*PS: Please no one call the feminist police on me for my caricature of suburban housewives. You know how you’re supposed to “write what you know”? This is what I know. If I knew any men who did this I’d skewer them too, but I’ve only observed this particular behavior in female homo sapiens that inhabit the suburban sprawl. My mockery might make me a bad person, but not a bad feminist, k?

Dear “friend” who hasn’t spoken to me in years but sent me an angry text in response to my facebook status:

anothergradstudentcliche — Tue, 03 May 2011 14:23:50 +0000

Just so we’re clear, this is the status in question:

Just not feeling the mass euphoria. Almost 10 years and how many civilian and military lives later, was it really worth it to get this guy? My understanding is that his kidneys would have gotten him soon enough. I just hope there isn’t a backlash, and no more lives are lost.

It was posted in response to the atmosphere on facebook last night, in response to what has been described as the “frat party” taking place outside the White House, in response to pockets of people chanting “USA!” in a manner appropriate for a country that has just won a sporting event, in response to cries of “We Won!”…. I posted that because what I saw quite frankly disturbed me. This isn’t a game. If we are in a just war, isn’t peace the goal?

Some people agree with me, others disagree. I suspect like with many of my ideas and opinions I’m in the minority, but I’m used to that, and even if things get heated, I’m up for reasonable debate. What I’m not up for is condescension. Which brings us back to the text you sent me:

Disappointed in you! Kidneys? Yeah let’s just wait it out. He’ll die eventually. Cmon you’re better than that. This is huge for a lot of people.

No. No. No. No. You do not get to try and shame me for having and
expressing a valid opinion. Especially not in the name of some kind of
holier-than-thou brand of patriotism that seeks to censor me. (Do you not see the inherent irony in that?)

Not everyone shares your narrow, imperialistic, jingoistic vision of America. We don’t all see the world in “you’re either with us or against us” black and white. I will never apologize for being skeptical, for questioning the status quo. I will not apologize for being appalled at seeing the assassination of human beings (no matter how evil) met with unbridled joy. Bin Laden has done enough harm, I will not allow his death to debase me and turn me into the kind of person who revels in the death of another human. My reaction is not about him, it’s about me, and I will not start down the path of celebrating the death of another.

I will not be made to feel like I have done something wrong for pointing out that at best this is a pyrrhic victory. You may feel superior to me because your reaction was glib, “Ha! Fuck you bin laden! God bless the USA!” but I will not apologize for reflecting on the tremendous sacrifices our country has made in the name of killing Bin Laden and wondering whether it was worth it. 6018 American soldiers dead. Over $1 trillion spent. Countless dead civilians. I wish I were wrong to worry about whether the US “getting him” will spark retaliation, whether he will be seen as a martyr and what kinds of actions that might inspire, but sadly it’s not totally off base.

I don’t care that “[t]his is huge for a lot of people.” There are a lot of things that are “huge” for “a lot of people” but that does not make them inherently right, moral, accurate, or important. There are “a lot of people” out there with some really stupid, wrongheaded, ignorant, and hateful ideas; that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to disagree with them.

More importantly though, you don’t get to tell me what to think. You don’t get to take that absurdly condescending tone with me. You do not get to tell me that I am “better than that,” because you’re no one to judge me. Your values are not mine and, quite frankly, I don’t think I want to be “good” according to your moral compass. I’m perfectly content with my moral compass and were I in the market for a new one, I wouldn’t be looking to you for guidance, because yours isn’t one I aspire to have.

I am not a child who behaved badly and I deeply resent being addressed in that manner. This may blow your mind, but expressing an opinion contrary to yours is not A Bad Thing. My opinions are at least as valid as yours and the only people on God’s green earth who can even begin to have the right to take that tone with me are my parents, because even if they’re wrong they raised me, so they’re allowed to (occasionally) be a little emotional or irrational and feel “disappointed in [me]” for not acting exactly the way they wish I would. You don’t have that right.

I stand by everything I said and right now, over 24 hours later, am even more convinced of it. I will never be able to express myself as eloquently and beautifully as Martin Luther King Jr. so I’ll just borrow his words to help explain my feelings on this matter:

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. … Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that..”

You can keep your cowboy attitude and continue to be “better” than me. I’ll keep my skepticism, vigilance and concern and try and steer clear of the descending spiral of destruction during this starless night.

-AGSC

Dear Ignorant Assholes,

anothergradstudentcliche — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 06:44:49 +0000

Look, I know things are tough right now. I know it all too well; though I’m unemployed as all get-out Ms. Sallie Mae wants her money and I’m not totally convinced that shrew isn’t about to send a goon to break my knees if I don’t come up with some cash soon. I’m 25, I’m broke-ass-broke and I live with my parents in the room I decorated when I was 14. Shit sucks out there, I get it. And I’m not above bitching, it’s one of my hobbies, though I prefer to call it kvetching. Just sounds better, no?

Anyway, where was I before my detour? Oh right, sometimes life sucks and you want to let off steam, makes sense. What does not make sense is when the things you are bellyaching about are just false. Not “eh, subjective,” no, not “it’s a matter of opinion,” not even “well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration.” I’m not talking about grey areas or hyperbole, I’m talking about lies, mistruths, falsehoods, etc. Maybe it’s just that I’ve just grown more sensitive to them lately, but I think that people are doing this more often. I experienced a particularly annoying instance of this on tax day when some one I know posted the following status: “Don’t forget to pay your taxes, 21 million illegal immigrants are depending on you.”

Of course with my left-of-everyone-you-know bleeding heart politics this instantly got my blood pressure through the roof, and I almost got a headache from my brain trying to simultaneously form cogent thoughts about every nerve that short (unoriginal, according to my friend Mr. Google) quip touched on. In the interest of not boring you and in order to avoid giving myself another headache, I won’t go through everything about that that bothered me, I’ll just limit myself to this: Oh, snap! At least half of all undocumented workers pay income tax even though they aren’t eligible to benefit from the entitlement programs they’re paying into while corporate giants like GE pay zilch. Yup. And from the NY Daily News, which is not exactly known for trying to curry favor with the bleeding hearts among us.

Look, I’m not saying don’t piss me off. I understand that getting me all riled up is kind of fun. That’s fine, I’m pretty easy to get all worked up, and I’m pretty quick to take the bait, but there are enough facts out there that you can use to push my buttons, must you really just resort to out-and-out lies? I am freaking sick of people spouting ignorant, baseless, shock-value BS. I am particularly fed up with all these incapable-of-differentiating-ass-from-elbow people going off on undocumented workers, mischaracterizing and besmirching them when really this country would come to a grinding halt without them.

Look, assholes of the world, I’m not asking you to give up your asshole lifestyle. Maybe you’re racist, xenophobic, close-minded, parochial, jingoistic, and incapable of basic human empathy, but must you also be wrong about the facts? Next time maybe cut to the chase and say you hate immigrants, the concept of taxes, and anything that even vaguely resembles a societal safety net. That way you can still be an asshole without blatantly parading your ignorance about. See? Compromise! Who says I’m not diplomatic?

-AGSC

Dear NYTimes,

anothergradstudentcliche — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 07:14:58 +0000

Stop punking me. Seriously. It’s a bit too early for April Fool’s and last I checked you’re totally unaffiliated with The Onion, but those are the only 2 possible explanations I could muster up for the content of a recent article in your Tuesday Science section, “No Face, but Plants Like Life Too.”

Maybe you haven’t read it? I understand, that new paywall makes it hard to read things. (A bit of friendly, unsolicited advice? That move is going to bite you in the ass swiftly and strongly.) I’ll give you a synopsis, to the degree that I can make sense out of the mess that is that article. As far as I can tell, it is the author justifying her fall from vegetarianism. Describing her struggle, she says:

The most surprising turned out to be the realization that I couldn’t actually explain to myself or anyone else why killing an animal was any worse than killing the many plants I was now eating.

Now, to be clear, I’m not a vegetarian. I subscribe to more of a Pollan-ish “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants” philosophy. I don’t eat too much meat, but it’s not because I have a huge moral problem with meat, it’s more of a health/environmental concern. I love animal products and well-prepared animal flesh, that’s not why I’m calling Yoon out. I’m calling her out because the way she chose to build her argument sucks. I don’t think I have to explain to you why it sucks, read on for yourself.

Maybe the real problem with the argument that it’s O.K. to kill plants because they don’t feel exactly as we do, though, is that it’s the same argument used to justify what we now view as unforgivable wrongs.

Slavery and genocide have been justified by the assertion that some kinds of people do not feel pain, do not feel love — are not truly human — in the same way as others.

As my good friend CC likes to say, “Are you trolling me?” Eating an apple that’s fallen from a tree = genocide? Or maybe the argument is that once you can justify eating fruit it’s a slippery slope and you have no moral compass anymore? I’m bewildered. Look, NYTimes, if writing this incoherent blather is all it takes to swing a job from you guys (apologies to actual, coherent, capable NYTimes writers), I can toooootally do that. Maybe you think my normal writing is too coherent? That’s ok, I can work with you to get it to just the right level of idiotic. What’s that? You want an article on how breathing air is just like smothering babies and grandmothers to death in their sleep? I’ll get right on that.

-AGSC