Were you people raised by wolves?

I’ve probably complained about this here before, because it’s one of the most irksome things that I confront on a near-daily basis, but have we really devolved as a society so much that it’s become acceptable to constantly pollute other people’s silence with noise of your choosing?  It’s bad enough when people play their music so loudly on their headphones that I can hear it, but people are just taking this to the next level.  Today on the PATH in a car with about 15 people in it, there were 3 people having obscenely loud phone conversations, 1 person playing music through his phone’s speakers and 2 people watching some sort of musical on full-blast on an iPad.  I’m using the terms “music” and “musical” very loosely here, particularly in the case of the iPad, because whatever was coming out of that thing sounded like the tortured shrieks of someone having a bad trip.  In any case, despite dealing with this quite regularly, I’m still shocked whenever it happens.  How can you be so fucking rude/selfish/awful?

I’ll leave aside for the moment the headphone wearers, for whom the greatest mystery is how they haven’t managed to go completely deaf by their own devices, because at least they’re theoretically taking measures to keep their noise to themselves, nevermind however feeble.  I’ll also leave aside the people on the phone, because while annoying and rude, asking them to not have long, loud conversations while others are trapped in the same space as them is even one level of decency above that bare minimum which is beyond the grasp of the blatant sound-terrorists who make no attempt to take the minimally intrusive step of not foisting their media consumption on the rest of us.  It’s not that fucking hard!  Headphones are cheap enough that if you can afford that phone that is the source of the problem, you can certainly afford some headphones.  Buy them.  Use them.  Stop being a fucking asshole.  NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

Normally, my approach is to ask the offending party to shut it down, but tonight I was far outnumbered and honestly, I was just tired.  Though I didn’t think of it until now, next time I’m taking my headphones out and blasting my NPR podcasts at full volume.  Though I’m not always a fan of debasing oneself by getting down to the level of the offensive party, sometimes people only understand when you speak their language.  And no one wants to hear Terry Gross or Neal Conan on full volume.  No one.  So don’t make me do it, assholes.  Stop being such navel-gazing selfish little pricks and stop and maybe consider the consequences of your actions.  I know, it’s just soooo burdensome to have to think of others on occasion, but that’s kind of the deal when you live in a society.  If you don’t like, move to the wilderness or Sudan, or some other corner of the globe where man can roam in the state of nature with nary a thought of the needs of others.  I don’t care what you do, just shape up or stay the hell out of my way.

In response to my opening question, probably not, as wolves are pack animals and aren’t so violently antisocial.

on “womyn”

womyn – It’s not a real word.  So stop it.  I’m as much a feminist as the next upper-middle-class-coastal-liberal-arts-graduate, (probably more so, see: here or here) but using fake words to take on a fake problem is just stupid.  I understand that the words we use have power, and the way that we frame discussions is important, but is this really an issue?  Wer-man from Olde English became “man” and wyf-man became “woman.”  Using “womyn” or “womon” or “wimmin” or whatever other dripping-with-sanctimony fake word you can come up with does nothing to encourage dialogue and understanding.  On the contrary, it creates a divide where there needn’t be one and gives credence to the notion that feminists are insane, unreasonable misandrists and ought to be ignored.  

By adopting such a fringe term, those who use it are signaling that they only want to talk with those who use the same language they do, those who already agree with them.  While I’m on the topic, “herstory” and “girlcott” are even worse, as they make an even greater mockery of etymology and go even further to suggest that women are hostile to anything that even vaguely hints at males.  Is all of this worth it just so you can feel smug?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against all non-standard words, I’ll defend the use of “ze” all day long, because it actually solves a problem, unlike “womyn” which only creates them.

Dear Idealist.org,

I desperately need a job that better than the one I currently have and I often turn to you in the hopes of finding that job.  It’s increasingly difficult to get myself to turn to you when the idealism has been beaten out of me.  There’s no chance you could change your URL?  Maybe “rememberwhenyouwereanidealist.org”?  Please?  The irony is killing me.  It’s just an extra slap in the face to be reminded that not only does my years-long job search fruitlessly continue, but my idealism left a long time ago.  I’d also gladly accept a job instead.  Either way.

Yours in un(der)employment,

AGSC

Dear America:

Why does this thing exist?

And before you answer “because many Americans are just fashion-challenged,” let me explain, that’s not just an ugly-ass , baby-diaper colored, shapeless sack of a coat, it’s  a freaking coat “ideal for concealed carry while offering the highest level of discretion.”  A coat designed for BETTER HIDING A MACHINE FOR KILLING PEOPLE.  We have kids shooting up schools and people spraying bullets all over the place outside courtrooms (and that’s just in a 2 week span of time).  Do we really need to be enabling this?  Who, other than an undercover cop has a good reason to need to carry a gun in a manner that is undetectable by others?  I can’t think of anyone*, but assuming that there are others, SURELY there are not enough people with legitimate reasons to need this that it creates a market for a mass-produced garment.  Ugh, America, just make it stop.  Please.

-AGSC

*I don’t think that “person who wants to murderize me” secretly is a “good reason.”

Dear Woman at Work Tearing up the Kitchen Looking for Skim Milk:

I assure you that the caloric difference between skim milk and whole milk is damn-well near non-existent for the quantity that you were putting in your coffee, especially once you’ve factored in all the energy that you spent opening every drawer multiple times in your insane skim-milk-seeking frenzy.  It’s going to be ok.  In fact, fat is important, and from the look of you and the food you eat, you’re really not getting enough of it, so maybe you should look at the skim milk’s absence as a blessing.  I know from both the determination you exhibited in tearing the kitchen and from your muttering after you ultimately, begrudgingly threw in the towel in your quest to arrive at the fat-free dairy promised land that you saw this as a great defeat, but I assure you, it’s going to be ok.

Yours in milkfat,

AGSC

Dear People Who Find Me Humorless:

You’re wrong.  I’m not humorless.  Just because I call you out for your inappropriate behavior or comments does not mean I lack a sense of humor.  I’m not going to laugh at your rape joke.  I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear you use “faggot” or “gay” as an insult.  I’m not going to just let it slide when you equate female genitalia with weakness.  I’m not going to keep quiet when you try and spread blatantly false information presenting it as “facts.”  None of this will happen, because I’ve been blursed* with a strong sense of right and wrong and a big mouth.  And a pugnacious/contrarian streak.  When you say something racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, classist, or factually incorrect I’m going to call you out on it. This doesn’t make me the PC-police, it doesn’t make me a femme-nazi, it doesn’t make me humorless or unreasonable, it makes me someone who stands up for what she believes in.  I wouldn’t have to call you an ass if you’d just stop acting like one.

I’m not even asking for that much.  Sure, it would be great if you stopped and actually considered the sort of systemic prejudice that allows you to so freely disparage certain groups with impunity, or if you considered why you hold such views to begin with, but all I’m asking is that you stop expressing them in public.  I’m not so foolish to think that we’re in a post-racial society, but I do think it’s progress that few people think they can utter the N-word in public and not expect a serious backlash.  (Though I don’t necessarily think it’s progress of any kind that I’m afraid to type out the whole word, but that’s a discussion for a different time all together.)  Ideally, don’t be a bigot, but I will settle for a change in mores that prevents you from running around polite society spewing hate, because while it may not change a thing about you, at least you won’t be hurting others around you.  And no, it doesn’t matter if you “didn’t mean it like that,” or if you think it’s “just an expression.”  It’s hateful and harmful, even if you never critically engaged your own language deeply enough to realize that.  Indeed, it is that insidious, subtle bigotry that may be the hardest to eradicate.

I’m sure there are things that you would be offended if I mocked.  We all have things we hold dear, and your love of the military or religion or Reagan is no more valid than my love of basic human decency, tolerance, and respect.  I’m also a fan of a healthy debate, so if you disagree with me, by all means call me out.  I’m a big girl, I can handle it, and I may even learn something from you.  I don’t think we’re doing anyone any favors by refusing to engage one another and surrounding ourselves in cozy echo-chambers, which seems to becoming the norm in our ever increasingly polarized society.  Voice your disagreement**, don’t take things at face value, challenge people.  Don’t write people off because they “need to lighten up.”  That’s just weak.  If your ideas are sound they should be able to withstand close scrutiny, so what are you so afraid of?

 

Yours in Somewhat Righteous Indignation,

AGSC

*Blursed is a portmanteau of blessed and cursed.  Ok fine, it’s not a real word and I made it up.  But  I like it, and I don’t know of a real word that expresses exactly that.  If both the Bard of Avon and the Bard of Wasilla can make up words I’m going to take a crack at it too, as I’m confident that my literary prowess falls somewhere on the spectrum between those two.

**Given the season I should caution that maybe holiday dinners with your whacky uncle are not the best venue to begin doing this.  Knowledge of this fact has never stopped me, but maybe you don’t want your holidays to be a cringefest for everyone else, and you probably understand the meaning of “pick your battles.”  (I pick ALL OF THEM, I’m told I don’t get it.)

Dear hipsters:

Why?

Yours in utter, unironic despair,

AGSC

Dear Stop & Shop,

Thanks for the killer deal.  It was truly tremendous.  Thanks for looking out.

 

Love,

AGSC

 

 

Dear Non-Dairy Creamer:

 

 

You seem to be suffering from some sort of identity crisis.  You should probably get some help with that.  I’m sorry if my unabashed preference for very-dairy half-and-half over you in some way contributed to your current confusion.  You should probably get some help figuring out what’s going on with you.

Good luck and godspeed,

AGSC

 

 

Dear Organized Religions of the World:

More specifically, I direct this to those of you who place any dietary restrictions on your followers, (the rest of you can go about your business, I’m sure I’ll get to talking to you at another point, but you’re off the hook as of right now.)  Ok, so while I find the whole ” you can’t eat this!” thing kind of silly, on an intellectual level I understand that it’s not so much about what foods you can and cannot eat, but about how these restrictions force you to interrupt daily life to remind yourself that you are a follower of X religion and that you have Y values.  While I suppose that has some value, I propose a challenge to you.  If you’re going to insist on such banal earthly matters like telling your faithful what to/not to eat could we at least make them useful?

This idea came to mind when my youngest sister when offered bottled water waved it away, pointed to her reusable water bottle and said (sort of jokingly) “No, that’s against my religion.”  This got me thinking, what if that actually were the tenant of some religion,  not just something uttered by my granola-hippie sister (who, incidentally, is actually far more into real organized religion than I am.  Ok while we’re talking about incidentals I should point out that I agree with her on many environmental things, including this one and I do avoid bottled water as well, but she plays ultimate frisbee for goodness sake, what am I supposed to do, not call her a granola hippie?).  So then I started thinking, what if religions required that people drink tap water, that their food be locally grown/sourced, that they eat organic food, sustainable food, mostly meatless, unprocessed foods… etc etc.  Or, to go in a different direction, what if religions came out and said you  had to eat healthy?  Whole grains!  Fruits and veggies, antioxidants, omega-3… etc

Does it really help anyone if I can’t eat a bacon cheeseburger on a Friday because my religion says I can’t?  Probably not.  Sure, as I salivate over that burger and realize I can’t have it I’ll be thinking about my religion and values and identity and practicing restraint and self-denial and all that stuff, but couldn’t you get all those benefits and help the greater good if the food restrictions were more in line with what I’m suggesting?  Oh yes, you totally could.  Your move, major world religions, your move.

Irreverently yours,

AGSC